10 April 2024
Thoughts on radical honesty.
It creates humility. Humility creates an open curious mind. Open to our own faults and the goodness in others. Normally it is the other way. We only see the faults in others and our own goodness.
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Reading Merton can be frustrating at times. I find the language of “Thoughts in Solitude” weak. It’s not effective because it is trying to be religious and yet practical. But these two, at least in this book, do not work.
I’m halfway through and not sure I want to continue. But at the same time, I can feel Merton searching forward, like leaning forward as he walks his journey. And I’m there with him…most of the time.
This is an exception:1
Books that speak like God speak with too much authority to entertain us. Those that speak like good men hold us by their human charm; we grow by finding ourselves better by recognizing ourselves in another.
I think it is possible to do both? That is, write with authority and with the warm hand of a guide? The best writing does just that. We need to know what is possible and that we can achieve those mystical states even now. Merton at his best does just this.
11 April 2024
Woke at 2:30 am more awake than before I fell asleep. Worried this would affect today’s plans and it has—2:00 pm and I’m flat already.
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I often feel like the odd out. That somehow I am more or less broken. Then I hear the gentle voice of my teacher…reminding me to be like a gentle river. It seems that this life’s lesson is moderation. When will I learn that is the real question?
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Got word back from TG. The results for the MO are that now is not the right time to move to an isolated place for retreat. And that it is best to stay put for now at least. So I will need to make friends with the machines and their racket.2
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The book “A Course on Christian Mysticism” arrived today. I started reading and had to put it down almost immediately, it’s that good! So good I think I’d like to do a workshop on the material. Perhaps a cross-traditions workshop? A comparative reading so to speak. I think this would help East & West. And I would find it deeply interesting. But I do not think now is the right time. I need to focus on completing other writing projects first.
I will keep my mind open and see what bubbles to the surface.
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Having trouble walking today. I need to understand and resolve that creates a type of psychological pressure, which in turn, creates this deep exhaustion.
It’s hard to get anything done.
TG suggested I take two weeks off from working on the book. I followed his advice. In fact it was through doing so that I came to see a subtle cause/effect relation that is setting this all up.
But I still do not fully understand the fear, or even if it is real. Need to investigate more.
12 April 2024
The Father = Sunyata + consciousness seeing it.
The Holy Spirit = The energy of the consciousness perceiving sunyata.
The Son = The compassionate activities that spontaneously manifest from this.
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Do not conflate the practitioners of a tradition for the tradition. Rather understand what the tradition is trying to achieve - what is the goal and work back from there. Doing so will frame the practices of the tradition within a modern context exactly because I am framed in this context.
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My mother called hours before a pre-arranged dinner for her 81st birthday. Without saying it directly she wanted to cancel plans because she had something better to do. This was the feeling I got as the conversation unfolded. As it turned out she wanted to go bowling.
We have never really been connected at an emotional level. But I keep her in my prayers because despite our lack of mother/child bond we remain connected at a deeper spiritual level. This is what is truly important.
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I think I should include contemplative journaling exercises in the Deep Meditation book. I believe this will make for a more useful book. A book that can also be used as a reference book for group retreats.
This will mean I will need to finalize the structure and my approach to contemplative journaling before publication. As well as write a full chapter of what CJ is, why it is important for the contemplative life, and how to do it effectively. This will increase page count which is something I wanted to avoid.
But if I place this chapter into an appendix this will solve the problem of breaking the flow of the heart of the book, and provide lots of detail for those people wanting to details.
If I end up doing this I need to begin now as the framework will be difficult to modify after publication. Must act now!
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No pressure; no boundaries; writing is practice.
13 April 2024
Today I worked on the book for the first time in two weeks. It was painful. But I cannot put my finger on why. I sat and wrote for about 90 minutes. I need to remember to just turn up each day and the rest will take care of itself. But I cannot help but think that this exhaustion has not been dealt with fully.
The energy of achievement is the enemy of the contemplative. For what is required of mystical contact is the letting go of the very idea of achievement itself. The same can be said for the writer.
Thoughts in Solitude - Thomas Merton p.56
I have a construction site next door.