The First New Seeds for Contemplation Series
This is the first post from the new series Seeds for Contemplation.
I wrote a letter with an explanation here.
These “seeds” are lightly edited (but not censored) notes from my handwritten journal. I share them here in a spirit of fellowship motivated by the idea of being radically honest.
I will bring together notes from multiple days into a single entry so they are roughly a 4-minute read each.
It’s also worth mentioning, that I often write my journal notes throughout the day as things come up. Knowing this will make the experience of reading make more sense and perhaps more enjoyable.
I’ve also removed names, leaving only the first initial of the first name so I may speak freely and keep it anonymous.
I hope you find this series helpful, and enjoyable.
Clarke
3rd. Apr. 2024
Today was the first day of a new schedule.
My exhaustion has gotten worse over the last few weeks and as a result, I had a meeting with T. I am to continue with 4 sessions of meditation p/day but drop formal writing for the book. Then come back fresh and see if that works.
His email states that everything needs to have a fresh natural energy and that the exhaustion I have been dealing with is simply years of stress and striving coming up as a result of the intense meditation he has me doing.
I’m concerned about losing two weeks to work on the book. But I know he is right about needing to work through the issues with a gentle hand. The exhaustion needs to come out some way. And the longer I put it off by continuing to work etc., the longer I will have the problem. But it’s not natural to not be working on a project.
Fall into the arms of the deity. This phase is so beautiful. I meditated on it today. In the first session of the day, it came up into my awareness like a bubble from beneath conscious awareness as the ego dissolved. I need to investigate this more
I need to try to treat the next two weeks as a type of retreat. Not a meditation retreat but a “mind gentle flowing river you must”1 retreat as Geshe-la used to say.
I must learn to let go fully and give myself (ego) over to the deity. Is this the true meaning behind obedience? That is to say, when the false self dissolves the true-self is revealed and divinity found/seen.
That strange pain in my chest is back. I’m not ready for death but I would not be surprised if I were to die from a heart attack.
5th April 2024
The construction site next door continues. The machines still make a racket. Thank God for the invention of noise-cancelling headphones. I must email T about moving to someplace where I can find silence.
Decades of the same thought I know but this time it seems to be an actually need to do so.
I ordered two books from Paul Tillich. The Courage to Be, and one of Love, and Justice. The old guard are far more interesting. Besides I need to see the thread from which the present problems we face today started. You cannot do that if you are looking at your nose.
I think I need to stay put for now. Moving will cause problems I’m not ready to deal with and everything I need is without walking distance. I need more patience.
Today the exhaustion seems to be gone - although I know too well it is lurking in the background.
I am thinking about moving some older articles on meditation to Substack. Do I have the courage to publish these notes too?2
All spiritual life is directed towards the ultimate. In the tension, one does not move to moral perfection through human dees but by participation in the transcendent activities of the divine truth. But these activities change must change, as we ourselves, change through time. Providence is key. Confidence in this is vital. For without both tail-chasing ensues. Of which I am all too guilty. But perhaps the tail-chasing confusion is the change manifest? The struggle is real but needed, obviously. I should be happy that the change and the transformation, the re-alignment towards the ultimate is taking place at all.
Just came across my notes for the Spiritual Direction and Meditation workshop. I must complete the reading for the workshop I promised people. It’s been too long sitting there waiting patiently for me to find it again.
This is an often-used phrase my Tibetan teacher Geshe Loden used to describe the best type of mindset for practice. He passed away in 2011.
I wrote this before deciding to create this series based on my journal.